My Standing Date with Jesus

Admin
Mar 11, 2017
7 min read

Have you ever been through a season, took a look back, and realized just how deep in the desert you were standing? Well, if not, I pray you continue to walk the mountain tops, with clear vision, and Jesus whispering in your ear. I, on the other hand, have just came through a valley with sand and very little wellsprings. Fortunately, I now have my standing date with Jesus, to help guide me through the terrain, with the mountain top a few steps ahead. Let me take a step back to outline my desert and just how I arrived there, before I tell you all about my standing date.

I was not raised in church. My mother tried to take me to church when I was a bit older, around 12-15, I believe. I was going through a difficult time at school and church really did help navigate me through the season. Our home was deep in the country; therefore, going to church also meant going to town! I liked going to town. I like seeing people, ha! We would stop for breakfast or hit up lunch on our trip to church, aka trip to town. It was 25 miles one way to the church my mother selected, so it was quite an adventure each Sunday. Fast forward a bit, college, no God in sight. I always kept coming back to him, but living the selfishly was easier, and way more tempting at this stage in my life. Deep in sin and worldly pleasures, I found Jesus. He rescued me and filled the deep gap in my chest. After the "rescue" I always counted myself blessed beyond belief, because I knew just how far from Jesus I could go, and I never wanted to go back. My pride spoke to me, outlining the statement, "I just do not understand how people who have experienced Jesus can ever stray away from Him." I felt as if my salvation story was better than the individual who was raised in church and knew God from a very young age. Why? Because I have seen the pit, they have not. The pit is deep, dark, lonely, and meaningless. Prideful, without knowing the pride badge was on my shoulder.

Yet again, moving on a few years. My life is blessed and full. My husband and I led numerous bible studies in our church, and were both following Jesus independently and together. "I AM SO BLESSED," went through my mind often. Which is not bad, but judgement was a badge I also wore without knowing. My vest was gaining all these invisible badges.... A few years into our marriage, we decide to try for a baby. And we tried, and tried, and tried some more. It was a difficult waiting season to say the least. My faith was tested in this season, but yet I WOULD NOT STRAY from God, please sense the tone I have in saying that statement. Much sarcasm and imagine my nose pointed up! God did in fact bless us with a child. Pregnancy was an interesting season of life. But I was soaring with my Jesus, my husband, my church, my career, my health, "MY" everything.

Then. It happened. The greatest fear I carried since I was five year old, dress-twirling, mud-slinging girl. My daddy died. Four weeks before the birth of my first born child. He died. My heart pauses even in writing the words now. But, the season was too busy to really embrace what had happened. Yes, I cried. My heart ached. But I was in denial, and exhaustion from being as big as a house. My son was born. The new bundle of joy, who did nothing but CRY! Colic is a horrid thing to endure (future posts about this season), because it truly is a hard mountain for any mother, let alone this one. I knew NOTHING about children. So I thought his excessive, unconsolable screaming was normal. So I held him and cried along with him for the next few months. Insert the beginning of my deep and dark desert. I have been asked if I thought it was postpartum depression. I have no idea. So much at once, so little time to grieve, demanding son, soaring hormones. I cannot answer that question. I just know one thing, now, not then. I ached on the inside and my soul was not well.

Here I am today. Almost two years have passed. And I can finally see a mountain. The terrain is changing, indicating I am increasing elevation, and possibly stepping foot onto a mountain trailhead. I had no idea how sick I was, I knew I was not myself, but I did not know how much my spiritual health was declining. Bitterness, anger, self-focus, and much more. My anxiety was out of control and sometimes crippling. I hid it, and I tucked it away from most people, even my husband for a long time. I did not want to burden anyone. I am the happy one. They expect a smile. During this time, I thought I was just fine because I was still talking to God everyday. I told him my emotions. The feelings of abandonment were not from Him, He never left me. He was there when others were not. He was always there. I am strong in my faith. I am with my God. Or so I thought until I started a bible study, we call them life groups, with a close, trusted friend. See, I was so deep in my pit, it was even hard for me to trust enough to open up at all. For I have been the leader of these things numerous times in my past and I KNEW you could not sit in the chairs, hiding your thoughts and emotions as the semester progressed. It would pour out of you as the time passed. Holy Spirit shows up, and boom! It just happens. Hiding under my security blanket and closing myself off was a better plan, a safer plan. But she asked me, and I trusted her enough to join.

The topic was a book covering waiting on God, and waiting on Him well. I believed my only wait was for God to grow my business. What I was not expecting was the wait God had for me. It was revealed to me I was waiting for my soul to be well again. I was waiting to be able to utter the words, "It is well with my soul."

Stupid, life-giving book, filled with scripture and hope. Sarcasm. Asked me a question, which cut me so deep I am surprised I did not physically bleed onto the pages. "What steps am I currently taking to love God more?" I starred at the page, with pen ready to answer the workbook question. NOTHING to write. NOTHING. I am one with God, yet I have NOTHING to write in the blank.... I shut the book. I was angry with the book. How dare you ask me such a question? You do not know what I have been through. YOU DO NOT KNOW. But my God knew, and the next morning it started. My standing date with Jesus.

Randomly, no alarm, no squeaks from my sleeping toddler, total silence, I would awaken. Two hours before my son, and my husband. Wide eyed, bushy tailed, ready for something. So I took action on that stupid question. I thought to myself, "I will read the book". So I opened the book, with those life-giving scriptures and read. Because really, when else will I have time to keep up with the assigned chapters???! I am a mom. Mothers reading this, you get it. Tiny, or large, dictators rule your home, telling you everything they want and need! Each morning following, same time, up. So same steps I would take, to my coffee pot, to my couch with book in hand. Then as time progressed, the steps changed. Always, to my coffee pot first, for it is a gift of God, the black drink which transforms me from zombie to beauty queen. But now it was not just the book, it was journalling, book, then bible. And on yet again, journalling, book, bible, scripture on notecards. Then I even created a space. A space in my home for my morning date. More and more I felt my spirit lifted. More and more I bounced out of bed, ready for my time. I craved it the night before when I rested my head on the pillow. "I cannot wait for the morning." My date. Jesus is there. Waiting on me, always. Ready to listen and open my heart and mind to what the Father has for me. My date readied me for the day ahead. It set the tone for the day. By starting with God, I notice Him in everything. I see Him everywhere. Quite like when you were dating your spouse and could not get them off your mind!

Please pause here. Do not punish yourself or feel shame in this moment. "She's so spiritual, why can't I do that?" Or maybe you are thinking, "there is just NO WAY that is possible for me." This is MY date with Jesus. It has taken me a long time to get here. AND I am in a season of life where a morning coffee date is possible. Maybe you are NOT! For example, my son was the WORST sleeper for the first 20 months of his life! I kid you not! I look back wondering how I did not die, I must have had super powers or overdosed on coffee daily. If I tried to get up two hours before my son in that season, I would seriously have NO sleep AND probably would have been a terrible spouse and mother!

I encourage you. Pray for your date. Even if it is a speed date, 15 minutes. God knows you and your heart. He knows your desires. He knows the season you find yourself in. He will respond if you ask Him. It may be while doing dishes. It may be while rocking a child. It may be during a commute. God will show up and date you. He will pursue you and increase the health of your spirit and soul. Find anyway you can to breathe scripture, even if it is just one, into your day. Tape a sticky note to your kitchen window or laundry basket to stare at while doing your pile of dishes/clothing. Place a notecard on your car dash or computer screen. Allow the words to awaken you once again, or for the very first time. Find the date for your season. He will show up.

If you find yourself where I once was standing, I want to start you with a scripture to tack up somewhere in your life. And I pray you find your date, and take steps to love God more.